ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Today was one of those days. One of those days where I let my patience run thin and felt like the world was crumbling down around me. One of those days where I questioned my capabilities as a mother. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't. As awful as it was, I learned from it and for that I'm thankful.

I tossed and turned all night and then it happened. The cries escalating to screams in a matter of seconds. I rolled over and tried to adjust my eyes to the bright screen of my phone. It was 5:08 a.m. WHY??? This is the second day in a row that Logan has woken up at this awful hour. I went to him and tried to lay him down and soothe him back to sleep. I quietly made my escape after a few minutes, climbed into bed, closed my eyes, and then it happened again. WHY??? We already went through sleep training (yes, I'm one of THOSE moms who tortured her child by sleep training) and he's been sleeping great. 10-12 hours straight. No complaints. Now all of sudden he's back to screaming any time I leave the room and waking after 8 hours. I know some of you are probably saying 8 hours is great! Well, when he goes to bed between 7 and 8pm, eight hours is really like five by the time I go to bed.

Anyway, I returned to his room, laid him down, and before I took my second step, he was standing again. In my exhausted state, I gave in. I crawled into the bed in his room and told him "night night." He immediately flopped down and rolled around for several minutes, standing up every now and then to make sure I was still there. Finally at 6:15 a.m. the rustling stopped and I knew he was asleep. I was supposed to get up at 6:30 but decided I'd push it to 7am to try and get those last few minutes of sleep. Before I knew it, it was time to get up, and I held my breath as I tiptoed out of his room. I made it to the bathroom where I was getting my things to get ready when Tessa (our dog) got up to stretch and shake, resulting in waking the beast. I had a feeling then, today was going to be a rough day.

After an early morning photoshoot, where I left Logan with daddy and he of course napped for two hours, I scrambled to get our stuff together to head out to a birthday party. When we first arrived, things were great. Logan was hesitant about his new surroundings so he remained close and calm. Then we ventured outside since it was a pool party and the stress began. I was flying solo at this event, so managing to keep an eye on my wandering toddler while I got him and myself some food and drinks was nerve wracking. I spent the next two hours following after him as he wandered back and forth between the kiddie pool and the big pool. Normally I'm not such a paranoid mom, but there were bigger kids playing in and out of the pool and I was afraid of them knocking Logan over. Plus, there's a bunch of eyes on me, watching me. I didn't want anyone to judge me and my capabilities as a mother.

I could see Logan was beginning to get tired so I decided to dry him off and get him dressed so he could relax. Then it happened. He hit me. HARD! In front of EVERYONE. I was so embarrassed. I didn't know how to react. I didn't want to hit him back, but I didn't want to look weak. I held his hands down and told him "No! We do not hit." I then carried him kicking and screaming to the bathroom where I could change him and hide from my embarrassment. I apologized to my friend for having to leave early, but I needed to get him home and down for a nap. I didn't make it out of the neighborhood before he was fast asleep. I had pushed him too far.

We've been struggling with his tantrums and angry outbursts of hitting. Logan's only 14 months. He can't communicate his frustrations with us and in turn we've been frustrated with him. I tried putting him in "time out" for a minute, but I don't think he quite understands what "time out" is and why he's being put in his crib for it. I don't want to spank or hit him back because I believe at this age it's just confusing to him. If I do it, he must think it's ok. I've been consistently telling him "no" and it seems to just fuel his rage and make him want to hit me harder. Where did I go wrong? Why is my child so angry and mean?

Then the icing on the cake came when it was bedtime. We went through our regular routine: bath, bottle, bed. His eye lids were heavy as he drank his milk and when I went to lay him down, he immediately rolled onto his tummy and looked to be peacefully asleep. I went to leave the room and as I was closing his bedroom door, he stood and proceeded to have a screaming fit. My husband and I decided we were going to let him "cry it out" and a painful 15 minutes went by with him screaming bloody murder. I went in, soothed him, told him I loved him, and he looked as though he was drifting off to sleep, NOT! After another 15 minutes, I stood at the doorway and told him "lay down, night night" and after three times he finally laid down and went to sleep. I sank into the couch and started asking myself that famous question, "Why? What did I do wrong?"

I researched parenting advice for toddlers. I needed an answer; a solution to my problem. I came across this article and a light bulb went off. I needed to change the way I parent now that he's a toddler. I need to give him more freedom, allow him to explore, tell him no less. This is the age where he discovers the world around him, not when he needs to learn life lessons. That comes later, when he has a better understanding. I need to show him more love instead of trying to be strict with him.

My dearest Logan, I'm sorry. I'm still figuring out this whole parenting thing. I promise I will always try my best and continue to learn and grow with you. I will make a change starting tomorrow and I pray that it leads us on a better path. I love you with all my heart and will do whatever it takes to give you the best life possible. Tomorrow will be a better day.